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wicked and that ain't so easy
 
"if there were but world enough and time..."

but there isn't.

so......spit it out.
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absinthe
Posted:Apr 8, 2019 12:31 pm
Last Updated:Oct 28, 2019 3:38 pm
22199 Views

Walking down the farm path, out at my uncle’s heading back towards the quarry, looking for signs of spring. The cousins rent the land to a group that grows artisanal vegetables for restaurants and like all good farmers they won’t turn the land until they’ve had a good couple of weeks of over 50 degrees which gives the insects hibernating in the dried plant stalks time to wake up and move on. It’s a little chilly in the soft rain but the ground gives under foot, the willows are greening and the rest of the trees have that soft haziness that comes with budding. I feel connected here, to a way of life that I was privileged to be a part of even if only for summers, as a guest though never treated as one.

Once I hit the porch my shoes came off, my hair was tied back. Chores came before free time, well before everything else, truth be told. I never felt so used up at the end of a day.

One year when my parents were struggling with the loss of a , I spent the whole of a summer there and entered a heifer into the 4H fair. My cousin Lee entered Jams. But I was not so much of a girly girl and so my uncle let me join the boys. My heifer was a runty thing and I was told early on that she would not win a prize because her size was off and she had a shorter leg. Still, she was mine for almost three months, named her absinthe not knowing what it meant but knowing that it made my uncle choke.

Now Jim, the oldest, he kept an eye on me at first to make sure I was doing things right but then once he was sure I was, he left me to it.

Eventually Abby and I took to walking the fields together early in the morning together just so she could get more strength. Lee refused to get up before she had to so, it was just us. One day she was really frisky, ran a good ways ahead of me and I had to chase her like a fool. With all the time we had, I taught her how to bow down like a little princess, shake her head no when I asked her if she was a runt.

Came time for the fair, all the heifers had been washed up and looked so nice. Lee won first prize for her jam and was riding high. We were only 7 so that was really something for a . Auntie was just so proud of her, my uncle was carrying her like a queen on his shoulders with her blue ribbon flapping away in the breeze. What a sight. I held on to her foot and she kept rubbing my head to give me good luck.

So then…..all the heifers in a row. Absinthe was the smallest and we were right next to a big old bugger who made her look like a damn elf. The judges did their thing. And when they came to us….one of them said, looks like a runt.

I said to Abby, are you a runt…she shook her head no. the judge laughed out loud.

Now take a bow. And she did….so dainty and perfect.

Everyone clapped and yelled. The Judges smiled and kept on moving.

No, she didn’t win.

She was too small and her legs were uneven. But she had her moment in the sun. And my uncle….well he gave her his homemade ribbon for best performance. Then we all got hot dogs.
10 Comments
energy
Posted:Apr 3, 2019 1:33 pm
Last Updated:Oct 28, 2019 3:35 pm
14196 Views

It was a sort of miracle when it happened, to feel the energy flow through her hands and through the body of the person on her table. She remembered the first time and how she had jumped back startled, her mentor taking her hands, placing them back on the occiput, smiling, softly resettling, reconnecting the passage, tears slipping down her cheeks.

Now it was only those who resisted that received a regular massage, more’s the pity. Her hands were heated as she moved them from chakra to chakra, combined with a soft rolling of the back.

the hips so tensed, she leaned far over the table releasing the buttocks first, the long muscles of the thighs then rolling the body from one side to her lifting it a good 4 inches while pushing on the lower back. The slender girl was nearly asleep and gave no resistance. Moving to the other side she repeated the movement, finally felt the body open. Her hands smoothed the energy down and out the soles of the feet.

She padded softly out of the room to get some water for the girl. Juno, her dog, rose to greet her, chuffing quietly, licking her bare toes, making her smile.

The girl was still face down on the table but stirring.

Take your time. your hips will be loose so get up more slowly. There is water on the desk. I’ll be in the yard with Juno.

Juno was poking into the back bushes looking for the ever-elusive squirrel when she sat down next to her. She smelled faintly of almond oil. Her eyes were wide.

Looseygoosey

They both smiled.

How is the fear?

Still there.

She nods….it will always be there. It is for me.

They lean against each other until Juno pushes between them. The sun is almost gone. Time for them to go to work.

See you there.

Yes.

Before she leaves the house, she fills Juno’s water bowl, gives him a good scratch.

Time to hunt.
10 Comments
just stuff
Posted:Mar 27, 2019 1:58 pm
Last Updated:Apr 29, 2019 4:15 pm
13153 Views

Eliot says April is the cruelest month. I believe it is December.

What movie was it where they said love means never having to say you are sorry? Because that is utter BS. If you don’t give a shit about someone, you don’t say you’re sorry. If you love them, you say you’re sorry a LOT.

show me the money. Of all the gin joints….. just what do you think you’re doing Dave? Wax on, wax off. You can’t handle the truth.. you had me at hello.
single lines and you know the movie right? It’s like name that tune in a way. How many notes do you need before it all floods back? So anyway, I’m watching this detective series from Finland and this guy can’t remember to buy milk, but he has this Jedi mind trick where he keeps everything about a case in a memory mansion in his head; he grids his floor with tape, takes off his shoes and using his toes walks from room to room. I love this guy’s brain. Decided I would try this little trick of his and damned if it didn’t trigger memories.

This is one:

Me sitting on the kitchen table in the first house we had. I was not supposed to be on the table but then no one else was there but me and having reached this lofty height I was immensely proud of myself. I sat there waving out the window to our next-door neighbor, chubby little fingers doing that in out thingy who ran away like I scared her. The phone rang. It was on the wall in the kitchen. Da came out all mussy and stinky from bed and picked it up. He did not even notice me. Then he turned towards the table, dropped the phone, ran, grabbed me, ran some more and threw me on the bed with mom. WHEE

I’m sure there is more but what I remembered is the fun of it. I’ve been told I was about months old. Mom found me on top of the fridge one day around the same time …..
10 Comments
the bachelor
Posted:Mar 14, 2019 3:55 pm
Last Updated:Mar 26, 2019 1:08 pm
13162 Views

did anyone watch this season of the bachelor?

I tried...……..I a bit of a voyeur and I like making fun of the show with my friends. but I have never seen so much public crying in my life.

now, all for men who show emotion but a man who weeps much is not a turn on for . I really just wanted to his therapist.

ps. the whole idea of falling in love with someone after 3 dates and one sleepover is a bit freaking weird anyway. it's more about the whole jealousy competition piece makes them all go gaga. creepy show...and yet, I watch though I will admit I reading too.
9 Comments
"i'll meet you there
Posted:Mar 4, 2019 12:03 pm
Last Updated:Sep 9, 2019 10:46 am
13021 Views

there's a field
somewhere beyond all doubt
and all wrong doing
i'll meet you there

Rumi

in the summers my grampa's farm, when he tired of childis talking he would send my cousin and I away. "up you go" and we could be released to freedom of all adults and any discouragement of bad ideas as we trudged up the hill across from the farmhouse.

there was a wee pond, a small brook, many birch for bending and enough land to become whatever our minds could imagine. we were not to pick the lady slippers or the jack in the pulpits. they were never to be touched and so of course they were magic and became central to almost all of our dream like afternoons. small princes and lush ladies. smilies. remember, a farm breeds a lusty imagination.

there was a particular afternoon, golden at first with sun so bright that we skinny dipped in the pond despite the frogs that tended to make my cousin skittish. then like two heathens naked we ran the woods until we dried.

at the stream we found the magic rocks for the faerie house a good pelt of moss for the roof, s lovely fat mushroom for a table. and as we built the home in the crook of an old split maple, we sang all the songs we could think of that would draw them to us. sitting a bit away. we waited as the sun disappeared. but it wasn't setting as we assumed.

a crack of thunder starled us from ou. reverie. and we saw this dark figure standing about 50 or so feet away. my cousin who was given to bouts of girlishness began to cry. I stodd up, shouting ….still lost in the fantasy....declare yourself who dares threaten the faery kingdom.

I threaten no one. I am here only to bring my grandchildren home before they get caught in the storm.

smiles. I should have known. he was too short for a villain. maybe a troll. and like two scared girls no longer warrior guides, we ran to him, chattering about all we had done as he slid a lollipop into each of oru mouths......perhaps hoping for silence but I think only because he came prepared.
10 Comments
fight the good fight
Posted:Jan 28, 2019 12:00 pm
Last Updated:Feb 6, 2019 11:53 am
12965 Views

An Irish Blessing

May the road rise up to meet you.
May the wind always be at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
and rains fall soft upon your fields.
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of His hand.

I am off again to do some politicking. back when I can.

be kind, be strong...………..fight.
6 Comments
Dead quiet
Posted:Jan 3, 2019 11:49 am
Last Updated:Mar 28, 2019 3:29 pm
13253 Views
It’s an odd phrase isn’t it?

There’s really no such thing as truly quiet in a house that has its own set of noises with an old refrigerator, with the wind outside, cars passing however infrequently. The pipes reminding you they’re trying to keep pace with the cold. Even that sort of energetic buzz that’s always there in your head no matter what. The tiny chit of the lighter. Your fingers on the keyboard.

But when you take away the sound of breathing life from the room, the click of nails on wood, the snurfle of an ask,…the soft harrumph of old bones settling onto layers of soft quilts. It is so very very still.

It has been two days now almost to the minute yet I find myself expecting to turn a corner, lean over the side of my bed, hear the soft chuffing as he waits outside the bathroom door just to make sure I’m coming out. He had the saddest eyes right before we decided to let him go, and I was reminded of my mother as she was dying. Her words to me. I was curled up with her in her bed, and she held my face and she said no one should have to die like this and she patted my cheek. Her eyes were clear, and she said “my good girl”.

He was my good boy. Such a good boy, always so gentle with , little dogs. Everyone knew him. They called him the Mayor at the Park. We gave him salmon for lunch. He couldn’t stand but he could eat. Smiles. Jake came to the house. He liked Jake. He licked his hands and face.

And now, my Charlie Bear is running amok. Lol. Oh yes he is. He is running free, fast as the wind, his plumed tail blowing behind him. That’s him over them in the mud. Rolling, getting stinkified. Such a good boy, such a good boy.

the house is dead quiet, with a Charlie hole in the middle.

20 Comments
survival of the fittest
Posted:Dec 29, 2018 9:40 am
Last Updated:Dec 29, 2018 11:00 am
13248 Views

my brother who is an alcoholic spends his holidays helping those who are having trouble with the day getting through it by being an on call crisis person. it's part of his give back now that he is sober. for a man who is very much a curmudgeon, he is deeply kind and comforting to people who are in crisis. perhaps, like most of us, you need to have walked in the shoes, eh?

my body is my tell. it reacts with vicious migraines when I refuse to face the obvious a good cry can sometimes help but not always and for those of you who have migraines you will know that crying with a migraine is a bitch. stillness, the dark and your won miserable thoughts are pretty much what you have until it loosens its hold.

my beautiful keeps his distance during these times, I think the energetic waves disturb him and he whimpers softly when he comes in even if I give him a treat, leaving quickly. poor Charlie.

today my head is nearly back to normal size. my hands have stopped tingling and I can see without all the diamonds interfering. ah, it's a blessing.

one wonders if this is what was called the vapors, and since I am medicated and get them infrequently can only imagine the horror of suffering them as some do/did on a regular basis. for me, they are better than a seizure so I should not be complaining at all really.

I have survived the holidays. am rolling into a new year. which, with even a modcum of luck will be better than 2018.

blessed be.
13 Comments
last minute shoppers
Posted:Dec 22, 2018 1:58 pm
Last Updated:Dec 29, 2018 10:56 am
12608 Views

looking for a gift book?.
The Garden of Last Days. Andre Dubus III.
it is un put downable. and the most powerful characters I have met in a long time

utterly utterly stunning.
8 Comments
and a hohoho
Posted:Dec 20, 2018 11:30 am
Last Updated:Mar 29, 2024 7:42 am
12343 Views

for some of us, the holidays are tough.

so i'll be MIA until after January 1 but wishing all of you and yours the best of the season.

catch you on the flip side.
0 Comments
grocery shopping.
Posted:Dec 5, 2018 11:22 am
Last Updated:Dec 9, 2018 1:28 pm
12632 Views
“at least at the grocery store there is nobody who knows there is nobody in love with me”

This is a line from a young poet. I’m sorry I don’t know her name. I saw a short clip of spoken word and it stuck with me.



She pushed the cart up the aisle without looking. It was nearly three o’clock. She had to leave soon if she was to make her appointment with her shrink but she kept pushing the cart, walking up the aisles. It occurred to her that if she missed the appointment she would still have to pay for the appointment, the thought causing a small ripple of something snarkyish that drifted off. Placing a long French loaf in the basket, she tore off the end and enjoying the crisp flakiness of the bread, wishing for some sharp cheese, stomach rumbling, had she eaten this morning, shrugging the thought back into the gray.

Mom shopper passed with two in the cart, draped in cereal boxes. They exchanged quick smiles. Women smile at her all the time. She wonders what they see. Do they see just another woman doing woman stuff or do they see another woman with a million sorrows welling up inside about to burst the dam, ready to break apart at any given second. Is the smile a hold on sweetie…it’ll pass, or a me too but it get’s better or a wtf, or just a nod of recognition/resignation.

Or maybe nothing at all other than she’s not a threat in any way. She’s too much a nothing to be a threat in any way at all to anyone at all ever just a small piece of a soul without much light left to it anymore floating along, benign, powerless, without. Tired.

Realizing she’s eaten half the bread, she places it on a shelf, leaves the near empty cart, heads towards checkout with a bottle of wine.

“Did you find everything you need today?”

She startles, looks at the cashier. “not even close”.

The cashier rings her through, now silent.

As she exits, she turns back, “thank you”

Yet another smile.
11 Comments
Back at ya
Posted:Nov 23, 2018 11:19 am
Last Updated:Dec 1, 2018 1:47 pm
12067 Views

I coming back to blog but my first attempt was way way too personal so I shelved it.

now wondering if a bit more time. but I have commented and read and lost the yellow sea so I know how y'all are doing.

anyhoooooooooo. look for me soon. once I figger out how to say something worthwhile again

I missed this.
12 Comments
later...........
Posted:Oct 24, 2018 11:32 am
Last Updated:Mar 29, 2024 7:42 am
12000 Views

i'll be back afterwe all go out

and

vote

and I've slept for a few days...………..smiles.
9 Comments

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