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well lets laugh 2
 
having a laugh or 3
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private notes
Posted:Jul 31, 2009 8:29 am
Last Updated:Feb 8, 2016 3:46 pm
27680 Views

fill any thing you want to say here and i will read as fast as i can..... i do look forward to hearing from you
0 Comments
acold winter
Posted:Jun 5, 2013 6:02 am
Last Updated:Feb 8, 2016 3:47 pm
19696 Views

It was the coldest winter ever.

Many animals died because of the cold.

The porcupines, realizing the situation, decided to group together to keep warm. This way they covered and protected themselves; but the quills of each one wounded their closest companions.

After a while, they decided to distance themselves one from the other and they began to die, alone and frozen.
So they had to make a choice: either accept the quills of their companions or disappear from the Earth.

Wisely, they decided to go back to being together.
They learned to live with the little wounds caused by
the close relationship with their companions in order to
receive the heat that came from the others.
This way they were able to survive.

The best relationship is not the one that brings together
perfect people, but when each individual learns to live
with the imperfections of others and can admire
the other person's good qualities.

The moral of the story is

Just learn to live with the Pricks in your life!
0 Comments
they said what?
Posted:Jun 5, 2013 5:59 am
Last Updated:Jun 7, 2013 6:00 pm
19561 Views

An Elementary School Teacher had twenty-six students in her class. She presented each in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are first-graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic!

1. Don't change horses until they stop running.

2. Strike while the bug is close.

3. It's always darkest before Daylight Saving Time.

4. Never underestimate the power of termites.

5. You can lead a to water but how?

6. Don't bite the hand that looks dirty.

7. No news is impossible.

8. A miss is as good as a Mr.

9. You can't teach an old new math.

10.If you lie down with dogs, you'll stink in the morning.

11.Love all, trust me.

12. The pen is mightier than the pigs.

13. An idle mind is the best way to relax.

14.Where there's smoke there's pollution.

15. Happy the bride who gets all the presents.

16.A penny saved is not much.

17.Two's company, three's the Musketeers.

18. Don't put off till tomorrow what you put on to go to bed.

19.Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and

you have to blow your nose.

20.There are none so blind as Stevie Wonder.

21. should be seen and not spanked or grounded.

22.If at first you don't succeed get new batteries.

23.You get out of something only what you see in the picture on the box.

24. When the blind lead the blind get out of the way.

25.A bird in the hand is going to poop on you.

And the WINNER and last one!

26. Better late than pregnant
0 Comments
A CURE FOR YOUR HUSBAND'S TEMPER
Posted:May 30, 2013 1:26 pm
Last Updated:Jun 7, 2013 6:07 pm
19350 Views

A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper.

The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?

Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day

my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."

Doctor: "I have a cure for that.

When it seems that your husband is getting angry,

just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth.

Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room

or goes to bed and is asleep."

Two weeks later the woman returns to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.


Woman: Doctor that was a brilliant idea!

Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water.

I swished & swished, & he calmed down! How does a glass of water do that?

Doctor: The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick.
0 Comments
A CURE FOR YOUR HUSBAND'S TEMPER
Posted:May 30, 2013 1:25 pm
Last Updated:Mar 28, 2024 9:44 am
18943 Views

A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper.

The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?

Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day

my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."

Doctor: "I have a cure for that.

When it seems that your husband is getting angry,

just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth.

Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room

or goes to bed and is asleep."

Two weeks later the woman returns to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.


Woman: Doctor that was a brilliant idea!

Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water.

I swished & swished, & he calmed down! How does a glass of water do that?

Doctor: The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick.
0 Comments
wrinkled butt
Posted:May 29, 2013 12:28 pm
Last Updated:Mar 28, 2024 9:44 am
18924 Views

Old Wrinkled Butt...........
How the world works lately...

If a man cuts his finger off while
slicing salami at work,
he blames the restaurant.

If you smoke three packs a day
for 40 years and die of lung cancer,
your family blames the tobacco company.

If your neighbor crashes into a tree while
driving drunk, he blames the bartender.

If your grandchildren are brats without manners, you blame television.

If your friend is shot by a
deranged madman, you blame the gun manufacturer.

And if a crazed person breaks
into the cockpit and tries to kill the pilot at 35,000 feet
and the passengers kill him instead,
the mother of the crazed deceased blames the airline.

I must have lived too long to
understand the world
as it is anymore.

So, if I die while my OLD WRINKLED BUTT
is parked in front of this computer,
I want all of you to
blame Bill Gates!
0 Comments
what about the eggs?
Posted:May 12, 2013 1:37 pm
Last Updated:May 24, 2013 6:42 pm
20217 Views

If you are a senior you will understand this one, if you deal with seniors, this should help you understand them a little better, and if you are not a senior yet.

God willing, someday you will be.


The 2.99 Special
We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the 'seniors' special'
was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $2.99.

'Sounds good,' my wife said.
'But I don't want the eggs.'

'Then, I'll have to charge you $3.49
because you're ordering a la carte,'
the waitress warned her.

'You mean I'd have to
pay
for not taking the eggs?'
my wife asked incredulously.

'YES!' stated the waitress.

'I'll take the special then,'
my wife said.

'How do you want your eggs?'
the waitress asked.
'Raw and in the shell,' my wife replied.
She took the two eggs home and baked a cake.
1 comment
interview with my new Dr.
Posted:May 12, 2013 1:34 pm
Last Updated:Aug 16, 2013 4:46 am
20344 Views

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: Oh no. Wine made from fruit. Fruit very good. Brandy distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Grain good too. Bottom up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two body, your ratio two to one.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of one, sorry. My philosophy: No pain...good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food fried in vegetable oil. How getting more vegetable be bad?

Q : Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Oh no! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: You crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for figure, explain whale to me.

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is shape!

Well... I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!"

AND.....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Englsh.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
2 Comments
At the root of every gray hair, there is a dead brain cell.
Posted:May 12, 2013 1:21 pm
Last Updated:May 15, 2013 6:05 am
20230 Views

At the root of every gray hair, there is a dead brain cell.


Someone had to remind me,
So I'm remindingyou, too.
Don't laugh....It is all true!

Perks of reaching 50
Or being over 60
And heading towards
70 or beyond!

1.
Kidnappers are not very
Interested in you.

2.
In a hostage situation,
You are likely to be released first.

3.
No one expects you to run --
Anywhere.

4.
People call at 9 PM (or 9 AM) and ask,
'Did I wake you?'

5.
People no longer view you as a
Hypochondriac.

6.
There is nothing left
To learn the hard way.

7.
Things you buy now will
Never wear out.

8.
You can eat
Supper at 4 PM.

9.You can live without sex
But not your glasses.

10.
You get into heated arguments
About pension plans.

11.
You no longer think of speed limits
As a challenge.

12.
You quit trying to hold
Your stomach in no matter who walks
Into the room.

13.
You sing along
With elevator music.

14.
Your eyes won't get
Much worse.

15.
Your investment in health insurance
Is finally beginning to pay off.

16.
Your joints are moreaccurate meteorologists
Than the national weather service.

17.
Your secrets are safe with your friends
Because they can't remember them either.

18.
Your supply of brain cells is finally down to
A manageable size.

19.
You can't remember
Who sent you this list.

.

Forward this to everyone
You can remember
Right now!
2 Comments
beer drinker knows
Posted:May 12, 2013 1:17 pm
Last Updated:Mar 28, 2024 9:44 am
19621 Views

Lady Interviewer: Do you drink every day?

Man: Yes.

Lady Interviewer: How much a day?

Man: Around 3 six-packs starting at noon.

Lady Interviewer: How much does a 6-pack cost?

Man: Roughly $10.00 at a deli.

Lady Interviewer: And how long have you been drinking like that?

Man: 15 years.

Lady Interviewer: So with a six-pack costing $10.00, and you consuming 3 six-packs a day, you are spending roughly $900 each month. In one year, you would then be spending $10,800, correct?

Man: Correct.

Lady Interviewer: If in 1 year you spend $10,800 on beer, not accounting for inflation, 15 years puts your spending roughly $162,000; correct?

Man: Correct.

Lady Interviewer: Did it ever occur to you that if you did not drink for the last 15 years, you could have bought a Ferrari?

Man: Do you drink?

Lady Interviewer: No.

Man: So where's your Ferrari?
0 Comments
do you know ... after life?
Posted:May 12, 2013 1:13 pm
Last Updated:Mar 28, 2024 9:44 am
19652 Views

An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned
to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike
up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total
stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God,
or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.

"Okay," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A , a cow, and a deer all eat the same
stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns
out a flat patty, but a produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"

The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence,
thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea." To which
the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss
God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don't know shit?"

And then she went back to reading her book.
0 Comments
what is hell
Posted:Apr 8, 2013 2:42 pm
Last Updated:May 15, 2013 6:06 am
22203 Views

BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT



The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona

chemistry mid term, and an actual answer turned in by a student.



The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared

it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now

have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:



Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?



Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law

(gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.



One student, however, wrote the following:



First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we

need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate

at which they are leaving, which is unlikely.. I think that we can

safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave.

Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering

Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.



Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their

religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these

religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we

can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as

they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase

exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in

Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and

pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand

proportionately as souls are added.



This gives two possibilities:



1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which

souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will

increase until all Hell breaks loose.



2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls

in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.



So which is it?



If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman

year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,'

and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then

number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic

and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that

since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any

more souls and is therefore, extinct........leaving only Heaven,

thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why,

last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God...'



THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.
0 Comments
talking dog
Posted:Mar 24, 2013 11:11 am
Last Updated:May 12, 2013 1:16 pm
22755 Views

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking For Sale'. He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador Retiever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so... I told the CIA.

In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a would be eavesdropping.'

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running...

But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'

'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a Bullshitter. He's never been out of the yard'
1 comment

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what about the eggs? (2)FMAOPLS
May 17, 2013 5:31 pm
At the root of every gray hair, there is a dead brain cell. (2)FMAOPLS
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what is hell (3)CookiesNMischief
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stay (2)FMAOPLS
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