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Diary of My Sleepless Nights
 
Random thoughts from a restless mind...
Keywords | Title View | Refer to a Friend |
Seeing in the Dark
Posted:Mar 8, 2020 12:28 am
Last Updated:Apr 29, 2021 2:17 am
1849 Views

Have any of you ever found yourself in a really dark place in life?
Drifting further and further into the abyss until you suddenly realize your totally lost and don’t know how to find your way back?
It happened so fast that you have little to no recollection of the trip or how many days you were gone but here you are. Cold. Alone. Worried..
Worried about what everyone else is gonna think
Worried about how they’re gonna feel when they find out, your never coming back..
You struggle with these questions, the voices in your head make it harder to think clearly or rationally and you panic
You want to cry because you start to believe that this is your life now
This is the reality of your situation and it’s all your fault
You blame yourself
You blame yourself for everything
Things you did
The things you didn’t do
The ones you’ve hurt, lied to, bailed on and even spoken ill of
Memories of your past riddled with mistakes made flood your thoughts and it tears you up
It hurts almost as much as the thought of never making it home
Maybe it’s for the best
You didn’t live up to your own standards and maybe they’d be better off without you
You take a breath, sit down and put your head into your hands and your mind shuts off as you stare off into nothing
You just sit there and, nothing
You can’t do anything
You can’t even think
Everything’s just blank
You sit and wait
Waiting but you don’t know what for
You totally shut down
Time and space fade into obscurity
At some point you start to feel, cold?
You begin to shiver as your mind slowly starts to reboot
What time is it
You feel like you slept but you have no concept of time
You think back on what happened and your worries somehow don't feel the same
Your mistakes and your past become less of a burden and the weight slowly falls from your shoulders
You wipe the tears from your face and lift your head and you see it
A faint light in the distance
You try to make it out but for the life of you, you can’t see the source
Slowly you stand up and start walking towards it
You begin thinking about change
Thinking about the person you could be
The person you should’ve been
Who you tried to be all along before you were crippled by the self loathing and pity that’s been gripping your soul for years
And that’s when it hits you
Strength
You feel a burst of energy and you begin walking with purpose
You formulate a plan to better yourself
For the people around you
But mostly for you
Because deep down you know if your not doing right by yourself
You can’t do right by anyone
Before you know it you begin to recognize your surroundings but
Somethings different
It all seems brighter
Colours become more vibrant
And the cold world around you feels warm and cozy
The darkness begins to fade when you finally tell yourself
I know what I need to do
And just as you have your epiphany
You find yourself home
You stop at the door
Stunned
You made it
You finally found your way out
You walk inside and head to the bathroom
Splash some water on your face and take a look in the mirror
You gaze into your eyes in the reflection
And you promise yourself
I’m never going back there
For only I have the power to make a difference
And I’m the only one who knows when I need help
Sometimes you just need to ask before it’s too late
Sometimes you have to forget about your pride and put your faith in the ones around you
And through this experience you’ve learned something
You now understand that you can see through the dark if just open your eyes
You’ll never find your way if you don’t look for it
At times it’s difficult
Life won’t always make it easy
But there’s always a way
Believe in yourself and never give up
Because you’ll never be too far
To get back where you belong

dralingvengance
0 Comments
I don’t really know
Posted:Mar 2, 2020 12:43 am
Last Updated:Apr 29, 2021 12:42 am
2760 Views
This is first blog on this site and don’t really know how this all works yet.. I guess I’m just testing the water to see what happens, it’s kind of the reoccurring theme of life as of late.. but does anyone really know what they are doing? I get the impression that life is about making a blind decision and learning to deal with the consequences. Every choice we make opens up new possibilities and every new possibility has many outcomes depending on timing and circumstance. Sometimes I wish I had all the answers, but if I had all the answers what would there be to look forward too? Uncertainty is definitely scary. When you ask yourself “is this the right decision?” Often times you won’t know until it’s too late to turn back. But every now and then you just know your on the right path. journey is far from over, but I’ve never been happier and it’s all due to me letting go of fears and accepting what heart and soul has been telling me all this time. When all is said and done, I’ll be able to look myself in the mirror and see my true self staring back at me. No more mask, no more disguise, no more strangers. Just me. Just me and the smile that faded when I was trying to hide me from myself. One day at a time, I’m growing closer to myself. One day at a time, I’m learning to love myself. And one day at a time, I’m learning to accept myself who I am and I no longer feel ashamed.
Regardless of who I was, I am who I am and I love myself finally being able to accept it. I’m Jaquie and if I can do it, anyone can!
Peace, Love and Happiness friends!
We are all beautiful and we’re aloud to be happy in our own skin

dralingvengance
5 Comments

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Most Recent Comments by Others

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I don’t really know (7)011MeLee110
Oct 6, 2021 5:04 am
Seeing in the Dark (2)Gerald3030
Jun 1, 2021 3:05 pm