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| Blogs > gymrat1974 > ManwranglerJen |
Liars and Lovers and Friends
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Liars and Lovers and Friends So what am I supposed to do? Am I supposed to tell you that I lied to you when I told you that it was just fun for me because I didn’t want to tell you that I was already attached to you on some level? Should I tell you now that it was too late for me already? That I had already caught feelings for you? That I was already petrified of the idea of never seeing you again that I told you you meant nothing to me? And ever since that day, I’ve tried to pretend that it’s been nothing but fun when all along it’s fun but also gut wrenchingly painful, too? These are things I could never tell you. For as painful as it is to pretend, it would be a million times worse to never see you again. And I hate the fact that I cannot tell you how I feel. I hate that I’ve lied, but what else am I supposed to do? And what would you do if you were ever faced with the truth? And the lie was out of my mouth before I could even think about it. It just came out. I planted an easy going smile on my face and told you that we were just having fun and I didn’t want to stop. And, oh, how I wish I had told you the truth when maybe I could have walked away with at least a piece of my heart intact, but then again, I wish that you had told me from the beginning that you would never let yourself fall for me. And still, when you ask me what I’m thinking or you want me to share what’s on my mind, the only thing I know to do is smile and share the most trivial thoughts I can think of to continue to perpetuate the lie that I’m just with you for the fun of it. |
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I’ve learned my lesson, but I can’t take it back now.
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It’s a mess. I wouldn’t trade him for anything, though.
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Don't know if this will help, as it depends on why you "can't take it back". If he's officially involved with someone else, you may be right about that, at least for now - no one knows what the future brings. But if it is just that you don't want to be caught in a lie, that's easily fixed by making a gradual transition to your truth. Start with "I missed you", and progress to "I think I may be falling for you a little", etc. until you and he reach an equilibrium point. "I missed you" and "I like having you here" are very unlikely to cause any rebuttal. and who knows, he might start changing his mind about who he can fall for, in time. OTOH, If you know it is true that he couldn't fall for someone like you, then it might be a good idea to allow the possibility of trading him in to enter your mind. Even if it is rare, there is more than one person for you in this world. I have loved 4 women in this life, and still love them even if I can't be with them (one which I couldn't stand to be with, but I still love her). No one replaces a true love, but you may find another true love when you look for him.
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Even when you set boundaries ahead of time; when you are sexually intimate with another person, it is almost impossible not to have some kind of feelings for that person on some level. I believe most people are capable of loving more than one person at a time, though there will be different levels to that love. You will have greater love for your main partner, while still having something left for that side piece.
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