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Fantastic beasts and where to shoot them  

40Deuce 46M
4634 posts
12/10/2018 6:33 pm

Last Read:
12/14/2018 6:41 pm

Fantastic beasts and where to shoot them


Ever crossed the road and looked the wrong way ? And hey presto , a car's nearly on you , so what do you do ? You so something very silly . You freeze . And your life doesn't flash before your eyes , 'cause you're too fucking scared to think – you just freeze , and pull a stupid face .

A common blog post around these parts is the "all my blog friends are gone , there's no good blogs anymore" post which as with any of the trope posts I roll my eyes at . But as is standard for a hypocrite like myself starting to feel that way a little bit . I value you remaining blog friends and whether you stay or go I wish you well .

The other day I was trying to feel out how pumped my buddy Arschgrobbler is about Godzilla King of Monsters and she mentioned that my level of "super-hyped" knocked her level up a notch because there's not much that I get excited about .

Which is true , but there is one thing that I do get really excited about - learning about a new cryptid . Every time I travel to a new place I asked about the local cryptids and people usually say "What the hell are you talking about ?"

Such as a while back while touring the Mississippi River I learned about the heretofore unknown (to me) horsigator which was a half- half-alligator creature that roamed the rivers and byways of North America back in the day . Which I was super excited to learn about even though it contains two of my cryptid pet peeves - uninspired name and hybrid creature . There's too many cryptids that are just X animal + Y animal , get imaginative people .

Unfortunately there was no description of what it looked like beyond half and half gator so we are left to speculate . Front half gator and back half wouldn't work at all . Front- and back-gator would kind of make sense , you have the tail for swimming and then you can kind of lumber around on land to eat grass with your -head . But probably what makes the most sense for a river creature is a frame with gator tail and legs . The most terrifying possibility is a gator frame with legs running around eating everyone - but that would be a land animal .

And then just recently I found out about several more - the cactus cat (uninspired name) which is a cat with porcupine like quills that gets drunk on home-made tequila , the Hidebehind (dumb name but I like it) which is a bipedal dog-creature that is super fast and hides behind trees while it stalks you . As you all know I dislike dogs but I like the looks of a dog-person . And the Agropelter which is an arboreal creature with a slender, wirey body , the villainous face of an ape , and arms like muscular whiplashes , with which it can off dead branches and hurl them through the air like shells from a six inch gun . One time an Agropelter kidnapped a pioneer surveyor and fed him raw fish until he escaped - but why ? What did it want ?

Iowa is pretty lame when it comes to cryptids - there's the Okoboji River monster which has a terrible name and is just a re-tread of Nessie and Ogopogo and the like (and stole my meatball sub one time) and the Van Meter visitor which doesn't count because that is clearly an extraterrestrial not a cryptid . Get it together people .

My favorite is the chupacabra of course ( a traditionalist) but another one of my faves is the Hodag . Any Wisconsinites out there ? Have you had any close encounters with the terrible Hodag ?

I was also reading about American tall tales . At first I thought it was weird that Santa Claus was listed as an American mythological figure but I suppose it makes sense . The Santa we worship today was created my Coca-Cola Bottling Co in the 30's as the mascot of capitalism - which is a far cry from his Greek/British/Dutch origins .

"He knows if you've been bad or good so be good for goodness sake"

That lyric has always bothered me because they're suggesting the opposite of being good for the sake of goodness , they're saying be good because Santa is watching and you want the fat loot . If you were good for the sake of goodness it wouldn't matter if he was watching .

Do you ever wonder how rich those elf on the shelf people are ? I do .

One supposed US folkloric figure I had never heard of is Ola Värmlänning - a drunken prankster whose legendary exploits were once very popular in Minnesota . I could find NO stories about even one of these supposed legendary exploits . What were they ? timey pranks are often hilariously insane to me - like a "prank" would be cleaning everyone's chimneys so they'd wake up and be like "why is the chimney clean ?!" and lose their GD minds . Stupid timey people . They don't do good pranks like we do now where we make a gay dude think he got a girl pregnant back before he went totes gay .

Then there's Brother Jonathan - the personification of New England and said to be an allegory of capitalism . How can a person be an allegory ? Maybe that's what makes him so mythical .

Did you know that Paul Bunyon had a brother named Cordwood Pete who was five feet high ? He was so small because Paul ate all the flapjacks every morning - which is a real dick move . Instead of Babe the blue ox he had a little donkey named Tammerack . When Dracula tried to come to the US in 1796 it was Cordwood Pete who chased him off . So next time you tie one on do so in honor of little Cordwood Pete .

Then there's Feathertop the Scarecrow who was brought to life by a witch to seduce mayor's as part of some kind of ponzi scheme . As I've discussed RE the scarecrow from Wizard of Oz this Feathertop fellow must have been quite the smooth talker to get a lady interested in his straw-dick . Apparently once he realized what was going to happen to his lady and her mayor-father he killed himself to spare them and because he decided humans are gross .

And then of course we have Nicolas Cage who is just a tall tale - no one would act like that in real life . Several different actors have played the part of "Nick Cage" over the .

Putting first by putting employees first, immediately after prioritizing fiscal responsibilities and leveraging profitability towards exceeding by empowering our employees to put (and themselves) first, in a diverse and respectful environment of only those that come first, first.


40Deuce 46M
5725 posts
12/10/2018 6:34 pm

"God is dead. Maybe believing in god was a mistake. What did people believe in before? The sun? Maybe there's some sort of animal that we could make a sacrifice to. Like a giant buffalo. Or some sort of monster, like something with the body of a walrus with the head of a sea lion. Or something with the body of an egret with the head of a meerkat. Or just the head of a monkey with the antlers of a reindeer. With the body of a porcupine."

- Michael Scott

Putting clients first by putting employees first, immediately after prioritizing fiscal responsibilities and leveraging profitability towards exceeding by empowering our employees to put clients (and themselves) first, in a diverse and respectful environment of only those that come first, first.


bitchkitty2017 71F

12/10/2018 6:57 pm

Man I hope these aren't your nightmares because I wouldn't wanna be in them..lol


40Deuce replies on 12/11/2018 6:06 pm:
My nightmares are mostly about the shadow people

smartasswoman 66F  
35813 posts
12/10/2018 8:26 pm

As per usual I am pretty sure this post is a mixture of actual myths/legends and stuff that you totally made up. Also as per usual I'm way too lazy to google to figure out which is which.


40Deuce replies on 12/11/2018 6:07 pm:
Is there a difference ?

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